perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How does one acquire holy water?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
