I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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