i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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