Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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