its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize