Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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