and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
