I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
