Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
