You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
