the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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