i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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