I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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