Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.