Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.