My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right