Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
false alarm. still invincible.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier