"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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