I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I want a musical about memes.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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