last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
