I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
