my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
