I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
