I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
