I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
