I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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