I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
