I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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