that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
