took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
