my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
