quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize