He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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