So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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