well you can't waste a boner
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
