So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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