life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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