Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
