Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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