wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
