Where are you?
In a non slutty way
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
