um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
