I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
