apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
