I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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