he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
