There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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