the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud