Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.