i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today