She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
