just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
