U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
