I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
