I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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