i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
