that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
