My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
