The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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